Wilhelm Schmit stands
backstage during the recordings of Luxembourg's Got Talent. He had
just had his pre-audition interview with the presenter and was told
he'd be asked to go on stage in 5 minutes. He has a good feeling. His
friend Peter was wrong. He and Helga had great act. “Meow”,
meowed Helga. Their rehearsals back home went great. The way Helga
walked over that narrow plank... the flashy showbiz moves Wilhelm
made around her... now that was an act for the ages. Peter had told
him that he was making a fool of himself, that people found him a
dork that he would become a laughing stock. Peter was calm and
introverted, Peter didn't understand showmanship. His other good
friend did. Max was a flamboyant joker, he pushed Wilhelm to go.
Peter said Max was pulling his leg. Peter couldn't be right.
10 seconds before his
audition, Wilhelm carries Helga on stage.
Some people in the
audience are grinning. Sat in the middle of the 3 judges' seats Simon
Cowell, now contractually obliged to judge on every country's version
of Got Talent, welcomes Wilhelm. Wilhelm. Wilhelm answers that he
works in IT, lives with his cat in an apartment in Ettelbruck, that
he has never performed for more than 2 people but that he knows he
has what it takes. More grinning. Somewhere in the audience Wilhelm's
friends are keeping their fingers crossed, both for very different
reasons. Simon Cowell tells Wilhelm that the stage is his.
Wilhelm stiffens, next to
him, Helga licks her paw unfazed. “People of Luxembourg!”,
Wilhelm begins. “That's more dramatic than rehearsed”, Peter says
to Max. The friends are stunned. Wilhelm continues, “I am Helga,
cat deity from beyond your comprehension. This pitiful human body is
the vessel through which I communicate with you.”. Behind Wilhelm,
Helga's body remains unfazed and goes on to lick her other paw.
BUZZZZ. Simon Cowell pressed his buzzer. A second later, Simon Cowell
is incinerated on the spot. “Let that be a lesson for all who
oppose me. I have chosen this human, and this stage, to reach out to
this nation.”. Everyone in the studio slowly stiffens, mesmerized
by Helga. “I hereby introduce myself as the new grand duchess of
Luxembourg.”.
With 2 judges voting in
Wilhelm's favour and Simon Cowell's buzz void, Wilhelm and Helga make
it through to the next round. Nobody could quite describe the act
they had just seen. In the next round, Wilhelm and Helga would
unanimously be voted out in what was agreed to be the worst act to
ever make it past the first round in the history of talent shows.
Some loser sheepishly dancing around some cat walking around, what
was he thinking? It was moot though, Luxembourg had become the first
cat-ruled nation since the fall of the great Egyptian empire, and
Helga's been hearing her colleague Whiskers is bound to appear on
Belize's got Talent soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment